I help people move for a living. I have walked hundreds of clients through closings, inspections, and the long goodbye to a house full of memories. I have moved myself more than once. So I thought I knew what I was getting into.
This last move humbled me. I was exhausted in a way that sleep did not fix. Simple choices, like which chair or lamp to keep or which day to book the movers, stalled for days. I would research, compare, second-guess, and research again. My husband and I, who usually make a good team, were short with each other more often than I like to admit.
Somewhere in the middle of the boxes I started asking myself a quiet question: Does selling a home and moving get more difficult and stressful with age? So I did what I always do. I went looking for the science. What I found was reassuring, a little eye-opening, and very practical. I want to share it with you, along with the “to-do-list” I wish I had taped to my refrigerator before the first box was packed.
Why moving shakes us so deeply
Moving is not one stressor. It is dozens of them stacked on top of each other, all with deadlines. Psychologists have long counted a "change in residence" among the life events that measurably raise stress. That idea comes from the Holmes and Rahe Social Readjustment Rating Scale, a tool still used in research today.
A 2022 study from New Zealand put that scale to work on thousands of real households. Researchers found that stress scores jumped at the time of a move and stayed higher afterward. Homeowners who moved carried significantly more stress than renters, and people who moved more often carried more still (Cheung & Wong, Urban Science, 2022). In other words, the heavier the stakes, the heavier the load.
When I look back, I can name the pieces that piled up for me:
Loss. Even a happy move means leaving a home that held our routines, our neighbors, our memories (and my flower garden). Grief can show up in the middle of a "good" decision. I cried just about every day. What is wrong with me?
Uncertainty. Closing dates shift, inspections surprise you, and the new place is not yet home. We moved out of state so that idea alone made us anxious. Our brains are wired to treat the unknown as a threat.
Loss of control. Inspectors, lenders, buyers, movers, and contractors all have a hand in your timeline. Feeling at the mercy of others is one of the most draining kinds of stress.
Constant decisions. Keep or donate? Consign or auction? Do the adult children want it (typically no)? Which mover should we hire? Every box is a small choice, and there are hundreds of boxes.
Physical labor. Packing, lifting, cleaning, and unpacking is real work, often done on short sleep.
What stress does inside the body
The exhaustion I felt was not in my head. It was in my hormones, my heart, and my sleep.
Cortisol and adrenaline. When we sense a threat, the body releases adrenaline, which "makes the heart beat faster, causes blood pressure to go up and gives you more energy." Cortisol, the main stress hormone, raises blood sugar and puts digestion and immune function on the back burner (Mayo Clinic). That system is brilliant for a short emergency. A move, though, can keep it switched on for months. I think I gained ten pounds thru this moving process.
Blood pressure and heart. Normally, heart rate and blood pressure settle once the threat passes. When stress is constant, they stay elevated, and over time chronic stress is linked to high blood pressure, heart disease, and stroke (Mayo Clinic). If you already watch your blood pressure, a move is a good time to check it more often.
Sleep. In the American Psychological Association's Stress in America survey, 43% of adults said stress had kept them awake at night in the past month. Among highly stressed adults, nearly half blamed racing thoughts (APA, 2013). Poor sleep then makes us more irritable and less able to concentrate, which feeds the stress right back.
Focus and decision fatigue. High cortisol can make it harder to focus and remember things (Mayo Clinic). Add hundreds of small choices, and many of us hit what people call decision fatigue: the sense that each new choice is harder than the last. My adult son called it Analysis Paralysis; standing frozen over a small object that I cannot bare to give up but at the same time I’m happy to donate. Researchers still debate exactly how it works, but anyone who has stood frozen in front of a closet at 9 p.m. knows the feeling.
Is this what happens as we age?
The honest answer is: partly, and not in the way I feared.
Psychologist Susan Turk Charles describes aging as a mix of real strengths and specific vulnerabilities. With age, we tend to get better at emotional well-being. We focus on what matters, compare ourselves less to ideals, and step back from needless conflict. But the body becomes less flexible at bouncing back from intense stress. Heart and hormone systems take longer to return to baseline. And when a stressor is prolonged and can't be avoided, those emotional advantages fade (Charles, Psychological Bulletin, 2010).
A move is almost the textbook example of that: long, unavoidable, and full of uncertainty. So if it hit you harder at 60 than it did at 35, you are not imagining it, and you are not failing.
What about “analysis paralysis” ? Cornell psychologist Joseph Mikels found that older adults who tried to weigh every detail from memory made weaker choices. Those who leaned on their feelings and gut-sense chose about as well as younger adults. In large surveys, older adults also wanted roughly half as many options as younger adults (Cornell Chronicle, 2009). I love the expression “less is more” and this move made me appreciate this simple fact.
That was a lightbulb moment for me. My instinct was to research harder. The science suggests the opposite: narrow the options, trust what you already know, and save deep deliberation for the few choices that truly matter. Our experience is an asset. Endless options can bury it.
When the move moves into your marriage
This is the part I hesitated to write. My husband and I love each other and have weathered a lot. We’ve been together for 40 years and have moved countless times. Yet during the move we snapped over small things, read tone into simple questions, and sometimes felt like opponents instead of partners.
It turns out that is a well-studied pattern called stress spillover. Stress from outside the relationship leaks into how we treat and see each other. In one study, researchers Neff and Buck followed 79 newlywed couples for 10 days. Spouses under more outside stress were more likely to notice their partner's negative behavior, while their read on positive behavior did not improve to balance it out (Psychology Today, summarizing Neff & Buck).
In plain terms, stress puts a filter over our eyes. The forgotten errand or the curt reply looms large, and the kind gestures slip by. Knowing that helped me forgive us both. We were not falling apart. We were two tired people under the same heavy weight, each seeing the other through a stress-tinted lens.
Moving also forces couples to make many joint decisions fast. If one of you decides quickly and the other needs to deliberate, a move will find that difference and press on it every single day.
10 things I wish I had done to make it easier
If you have a move on the horizon, or you are in the middle of one right now, here is the list of recommendations I wish someone had handed me.
For the body
Protect sleep like an appointment. Keep a set bedtime, stop packing an hour before bed, and keep the bedroom the last room packed and the first room set up. Sleep is where the body clears the day's stress.
Pace the physical work. Pack 30 to 60 minutes at a time, not all weekend. Hire help for heavy lifting. A strained back or a fall turns a hard move into a crisis.
Keep eating real meals. Stock easy, nourishing food and water before the kitchen is boxed up. Takeout and skipped meals leave blood sugar and mood on a roller coaster.
Move your body on purpose. A daily 20-minute walk outside does more for stress hormones than another hour of packing. Morning daylight also helps reset sleep.
Watch your numbers. If you manage blood pressure or another condition, check in with your doctor before the move and keep medications in a bag that never goes on the truck.
For the mind and the marriage
Start sooner and declutter before you list. Most of my decision fatigue came from sorting a lifetime of belongings against a deadline. Months ahead, one drawer a day is gentle. Weeks ahead, it is overwhelming.
Limit your options on purpose. Fewer options is not settling. For many of us, it leads to better choices.
Decide how you will decide, together. Before the first box, agree on who owns which decisions and which ones you will make jointly. Set a deadline for each. This one step would have saved us many arguments. Have you ever heard of the “honey-do list”?
Schedule a daily "no moving talk" hour. Take a walk, share a meal, or watch a show together with the move off the table. Remind yourselves you are on the same team.
Ask for and accept help. Lean on a trusted agent, a senior move manager, family, or friends. Delegating is not weakness. It is how you keep enough in reserve to actually enjoy your new home. Host a small girls night and ask friends to help - they may even take home some of your “donation items”.
A gentler way through
A healthy home is about more than clean air and good materials. It is also about how we arrive there. I now believe the transition itself deserves the same care we give to choosing the right house.
If this move left you drained, be kind to yourself. Your body did exactly what it was built to do under a long, heavy load. Rest, reconnect with the people you love, and let your new home slowly become a place of calm. And if a move is in your future, I hope this list helps you get there with more energy, and more patience for each other, than I had.
This post is for general wellness education and is not medical advice. If stress is affecting your health, sleep, or relationships, please talk with your doctor or a licensed counselor.
